mind jumble

I have really been in a blogging slump lately. 

Honestly, it's been more of a life slump.  I mean, nothing exciting is going on for me.  At all.  I often feel that I'm living in the movie "Groundhog's Day".  Same thing, different day.  Get up, get ready, drop child off at daycare, go to work (or clinical or class), come home, get dinner ready, play with child, do bedtime routine, do homework, and go to bed.  Repeat.

I get that life is like that at this age.  But, I miss how spontaneous we once were.  I'm fearful of how much less spontaneous we will soon be.  I'm reading advice and stories of other twin moms who are in self-proclaimed hell during their first month/s of raising their twins.  I'm fearful.  I'm excited.  I want to stop time.  No wait---I really just want this discomfort to pass so that I can move any given joint in my body again without pain.  I'm miserable.  I'm thankful.  I'm really just wondering how this will all unfold.

This is my blog and I will be honest.  I sometimes cannot help but wonder if I'd be feeling this way if it were a singleton pregnancy.  I loved my pregnancy with Emersyn and cherished every moment.  I had a meltdown the night I was induced, just thinking that it would be the last night I would carry her inside me.  I really enjoyed our very special bond that no one else could ever truly understand.  I loved being pregnant!

I am truly so, so, so grateful for my pregnancy with the twins right now.  I mean, we have been chosen to have our 2 sweet boys, and I know that is God's perfect plan.  We had a long road to achieve the pregnancy, and I guarantee there was nothing I wanted more than a healthy pregnancy.  Regardless of how grateful I am, however, I just am not enjoying this pregnancy.  I hate to admit that. 

I am not sure if it's the physical pains it brings?  The uneasy emotions?  The self doubt? Maybe it's the doubled hormones.  Two placentas releasing hormones is brutal I have realized.  It's really just a combination of everything----life.  I am having major body image issues right now.  I have always struggled with my weight, and when a person gains 30+ pounds in a pregnancy with 3 months to go, it's harsh.  I am easily at the highest weight of my life and I never want to be back here.  People stare at me.  Everywhere we go.  My patients are inquisitive and in about 90% of my visits, I walk in to introduce myself, only to be greeted with a handshake---as they stare at my belly.  Naturally, a comment to the effect of "you must be due any time now!" is next.  Followed by stares suggesting I am a freak of nature when I tell them I am not due until June. Which leads me to tell them that I'm carrying twins in hopes of alleviating any fears that I will go into labor during the course of their visit.  And that admission alone leads to either 1) "Oh wow!  You are so blessed!" to the more common "Oh how miserable you must be! But how exciting!?" 

I get that this is temporary, and the end result(s) will be incredible.  It doesn't make it easier and it doesn't make it less uncomfortable at the moment.  And it only makes me more mentally uneasy with everything I have been afraid of since the beginning.

I am extremely overwhelmed and I feel like no one in the whole world understands me.  This has been the hardest thing of my life thus far both physically and mentally.  And I am so far from even being "there" yet.

Again don't get me wrong.  I really am thankful for this pregnancy.  I just needed to vent.

**The bowl of chocolate syrup drenched ice cream consumed during the construction of this post just may have been a good home remedy to my own self pity** 

Hope you are alll having a great weekend!