"I don't know how you do it!"

 Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass.  It's about learning how to dance in the rain.

I heard this quote today and immediately fell in love.

If I had a dollar for every time someone has said "I don't know how you do it!", I would be rich. This is a phrase that I started to hear on a regular basis after I started grad school in September 2009.

Emersyn was 1 1/2 years old and, at that time, I was also working 4 days per week. School was intense, I was taking full credit loads (14/semester), working, and juggling my family. I will be the first to admit that while it was doable, it was NOT ideal. It caused a lot of stress at home. Every minute I wasn't working, I was either getting dinner ready, playing with my baby, putting her to bed, or working on homework. Until all hours of the night - 2 and 3 AM bedtimes were normal, followed by going to work at 8. It was stressful and put a lot of burden on my marriage.  I quickly became a mother and student and my role as a wife took the backseat.

I cut back work hours the very next semester. This helped a lot - but with that came less income. One might argue that less income is more stressful. I'm not sure. It seemed to be an ugly cycle of "which is worse?". While not ideal, as a family we knew that the prize would be WELL worth the temporary stress and effort. I knew what I was getting into when I signed my school acceptance letter back in spring of 2009.

I signed my life away!

I look back on those first semesters, and ask myself - "how did I do it?". I don't know - you just do. Day by day, collectively time seems to go so fast. I knocked down 3 semesters towards my doctorate before we more seriously pursued another child. If you remember I had a bout with infertility, and after 15 months of "paying close attention",  we moved beyond my family doctor. I was referred to Reproductive Endocrinology. Our first appointment with RE was nearly exactly one year ago.

I didn't make it publicly known at the time that we were so wanting another child. I didn't want other opinions of how "manageable" it was with school and work. Honestly that is no one else's business. Only we know what we can handle and are ready for.

I found out I was pregnant October 15, 2010 - our first round of Clomid. We were so thrilled and thankful that we had immediate success!

So on October 26th when I went to the ER with horrible cramping, expecting that I had a tubal pregnancy, you can imagine the thoughts that are mustered when  told at 1:00 in the morning and after 7 hours of waiting..."you have TWO gestational sacs in there!" I was only about 5 weeks pregnant. I was SO thankful it was a viable pregnancy - and shocked there were TWO little beans in the making!

I am not going to lie. I left the ER (I was alone) and cried on my drive home. I called my mom and said over and over.."how ARE we going to do it??" She screamed with excitement. I cried with a mixture of happiness and reservation. Mostly reservation. How would I do this - working, completing a pretty intense doctorate program, raising my daughter, and being a wife? And now, adding TWINS to this lineup called life?

Moms always have a way to soothe their children - even if their child is 30 years old! I went to bed that night after my ER visit with so many thoughts running through my mind.

TWINS.

HOW would we do this??

While I can't answer it completely, I can speak to some of it now that we are 6 weeks into our new life. Very shortly, I will be back in school and back at work and can see how that, too, will fit into our life.

People ask me daily - "how do you do it?"  We live 8 hours away from family.  I have been flying solo with the twins since they came home.  We get out of the house almost daily.  It's not a big deal. I have help at night and on weekends...that help is my husband.  I have had several offers of family coming down to stay somewhat long-term to help.  I declined.  This is my new normal; my new life.  I need to figure it out.  I need to know how to manage this alone - and not get used to relying on help.  That help wouldn't be here forever....I would then be left with the aftermath.  Aside from that, it's my personality to take matters by the reigns and just get it done. I need to learn to dance in the rain vs. waiting for this "storm" to pass.

(Because there are just days I am not sure the storm ever WILL pass?!?!!!)

Someone said to me today in Target..."I don't know how you do it".  I heard someone else whisper as we went by "busy lady!".  Pushing the double stroller in front of me, and pulling a cart behind me, while keeping a close eye on my 3-year old. I'm sure know we looked like a traveling circus act.  Oh well.  It's my new normal.  Just call me PT Barnum.

While we never can be prepared for what life has in store for us - I am realizing that a person has amazing capability of handling whatever is thrown at them.  Not so long ago, there is NO way I thought I'd handle newborn twins alone.  Initially, there was NO way I thought I could handle 8 weeks of bedrest. A change in mindset can go a long way.  It took months but I eventually told myself daily that I CAN and WILL do it.  And I will do it well.  And look!!  I did bedrest well - and cautiously believe we are doing this whole twin/3 children thing well.

So far, I think we are dancing rather than waiting for this storm to pass!  I can feel the raindrops!  Oh wait - that is the humidity I am feeling.  Just so happens we were the most humid place in the world today.  Awesome.  I'm glad Emersyn appreciated our trip to Target by saying "This is a cool store.  It's amazing!" on our way out.  Made my sweaty armpits and afro worth it.

Yes, my dear, you are learning well....