What am I?

First of all, to answer that question:

Apparently not a blogger.

(Insert sad face here).

I have written several blog posts in my head over the past 6ish weeks.  Then my "momma cap" gets put on my head, quickly to be replaced by my "student hat", then---whoosh!---the day is gone, this momma is exhausted, and no blog post has evolved.  My mind spins at night, full of thoughts with very few answers.

Beginning this very final "back to school" phase in life is a bit numbing.  A bit contradictory, even.  I have dreamed of it, I have yearned for it, and now that there is a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel---I'm scared.  Okay, freaking out even.  I think it's a bit lot of uncertainty mixed with a lot of faith.  A blind leap as time ticks on and I'm left to figure out the resounding question...."What are your plans after graduation?"

A few things I do know for certain:

1.  I am going to celebrate to the point of tears!!

2.  I am going to burn any evidence of my DNP project.  And maybe roast marshmallows over it.

3.  I am going to do a happy dance!

But before I can figure out my plans "after graduation" there's much to be done which focuses on the here and now.  In just a few short weeks, my work hours are being reduced, and I will truly be part-time---working just 5 days per pay period.  Right after the holidays, I'm taking an Educational Leave of Absence at work to focus on finishing my last semester of school.

That is fine and all, and I'm thankful for the opportunity ---- but also really beginning to question myself.  Is this right?  Should I really not be working "guaranteed hours" and forgoing reliable income to focus on school?  Or, should I really have extended school an additional semester to accommodate working more regularly?

I think that answer will only become clear after it's over.  Hindsight is 20/20.

Travis has technically been employed again since July.  That being said, it's a commission based job and you can't trust that paycheck anymore than you can trust a used car salesman.  (No offense to used car salesman!)  

This certainly plays into my fears, in fact it is about 90% of it.  I'm not a person who thrives on uncertainty, so this leap of faith is big for me.

The balancing act out on this freaky balance beam again leads me to wonder---what am I, and what am I doing? 

I'm a bad case of multiple personality disorder at the moment, I'm afraid.  On one hand, I want this so bad and it's seemingly getting closer and closer. I can do this, right?  On the other hand, once I'm a Family Nurse Practitioner I feel like it is truly a sign that I am "what I wanted to be when I grew up".  Except the surrounding factors aren't where they are supposed to be "as a grown up", and I want to pause time to allow that all to fall into place.  To eliminate a few elements of uncertainty. To allow me to gain confidence.  To let me get caught up being the coolest mother on the planet. To finish out the mile-long "To Do" list.  To get my kids' closets color coded and to organize every toy accordingly in the right canvas bin. To be a better wife. To get my closets clean, and give the yard some much overdue attention. To build my white picket fence on my country estate.... Or, at least to give me time to win the lottery...and once all those details are fixed up, life can proceed.  That may define me "as a grown up".  Not too much to ask? (sarcasm)

I feel greedy.  I feel ungrateful.

I have everything I have ever dreamed of in life and yet I want to push pause...to give me a chance to get the details into place to fit into this perfect life picture I painted back in childhood.  Not to jump further into uncertainty as I will soon be doing when my work hours disappear.

There are so many perfect pieces in my life picture!!

What am I?

 Reality is -- the only thing I have been confident in since childhood is that I would one day be a mother.

I am so honored to have been chosen to be these little loves' mother!  I'm not sure what exactly I did right to deserve this role, but I know for certain they are the 3 reasons I have made it this far in grad school.  They are the reasons I am pushing forward, even when the (very small) logistical part of my mind questions "is this right?", or "what the heck am I doing?!"  They give me confidence that I'm strong enough to make this leap of faith.

I don't know the answer to what is the "right" decision about this next phase of my career.  I don't know where I will work after graduation.  I don't even know what specialty area, if any, I want to tackle.  I don't know where we will live.  I don't know how we are going to afford me not working these next several months.  I just don't know.  And me not knowing what lies ahead is scary.

I do know that it will be hard to define myself....to make that transition from being a mother/nurse/student to "nurse practitioner" and mother.  I have always been able to identify myself as a student...(.that's actually pretty sad considering I just turned 32 less than 2 weeks ago!)  I'm having a hard time accepting that "this is it".  This is "grown up".   And right now, I feel so unsteady---aside from Love 1, Love 2, and Love 3 as pictured above, nothing else feels too certain.  I have always known that my education would lie ahead of me, and that was "my plan".  That was my certainty.

Well, "my plan" is soon going to come to an end...

I won't be a student anymore.  The security I have found in that role is much greater than I have ever realized.  I always knew that my education would help clear any fuzzy pictures ahead.

Well, fuzzy picture, here we are and you're not any clearer!!

I do know that everything happens for a reason, and I wouldn't be on this crazy journey if I wasn't meant to be.  I do know that this is a huge lesson in faith, in hard work, and patience.  I do know that one day I'll look back and wonder how we ever did it.

And at the end of the day, I know that I will soon look back on these moments that make my head spin with uncertainty and yearn for them, too.